Coming home, I was happy and vulnerable! Just able to walk and still in a lot of pain I couldn’t wait to get home. I wanted to be in my own bed and was excited to have my whole family together. I found it hard to be in the hospital overnight with Carl at home. I wanted to share every moment with him. We packed up our belongings at the hospital. Kai had his final check with the paediatrician and my surgeon signed off for me to be discharged a day early. We went through the hospital security checks, signed out and placed Kai into his little car seat. He looked even tinier in his seat all scrunched over. I sat at the back with him and Carl drove us home.
The world sped up! Everything moved in hyper-speed. Cars were flying past. It felt like Carl was driving too fast, the sun was too bright, everything felt magnified and I felt extremely nervous. I gave Carl clear instructions to slow down (he was well within the speed limit), grabbed blankets to block out the sun and tried to keep myself together. In my mind someone was going to come crashing into us. I was sweating and my heart was pumping. We finally made it home.
Inside the house I relaxed and felt safe again.
I have spent a lot of time around babies in my life so felt quite confident being able to take care of a newborn. What I was not prepared for, was just how weak I would feel from the cesarean and my overwhelming heightened emotions. If Kai was crying and needed me, an inner strength would take over and I would be able to stand and rock him for as long as he needed. Afterwards though, I felt completely exhausted and in deep need of support and comfort. I needed my husband more than ever before.
I spent those first few days soaking in every moment with Kai. He spent his time sleeping on my chest and feeding and I savored every squeak. I could just sit there smelling his little head for hours and looking at his tiny fingers and little pixie ears. The cutest ears I had ever seen! We were getting to know each other. This little person that I had waited my whole life to meet.
While my heart was beaming, I was also overcome with fear. I was terrified when Carl left the house to do the shopping. This was unusual for me because I was always very relaxed before. All of a sudden if I was alone, every door and every window had to be closed. I wanted the curtains closed so no-one would be able to see inside. This made me feel completely ridiculous and a little pathetic. If Carl forgot to lock me in I would be furious. My heart and my fear center was swelling equally at the same rate it seemed. I felt a little bit crazy.
In time, as I healed from the cesarean and started to feel stronger, the curtains, windows and doors were all opened up and I started to feel safer again. I definitely am more vigilant than I was before having Kai. My guess is that it is natures was of ensuring that I protect him.
Let us know how you felt in those first few weeks in the comments section. There is sure to be new mom out there going through something similar too!